Lately, I've been wanting to stop time. Just stop at this phase in my life. I feel like I'm already living the "highlights" of my life and I really want to stay like this always. I feel that I'm getting closer to the edge. The edge that I've been dreading for, for the past 3 years. Well, actually dread is not the exact word that best describes it, but let's just say it's something that I've been avoiding all this time and now I feel like it's only a block away from me, creeping in, and ready to jump right at my face at the exact time that I'm not expecting it. When that time comes, I don't have any idea what I'll do. I don't know what my reaction will be. I don't know what my feelings will be. I just know that right now I'm scared. Scared that when that time comes, I might bolt. Scared that when that time comes, I might disappoint everyone. Scared that when that time comes, I might hurt someone. At the same time, I'm also excited. I will lie if I deny that I don't imagine it happening. I sometimes smile, when my imagination takes over me and everything falls into place. I sometimes wish to skip everything and just go straight to it. Because I know that everything in between will be challenging, stressful, and difficult... I wish I only have 2 options, stop time, or skip time, I want it either way. But I know deep down, that nothing will be worthwhile, nothing will feel right unless I go thru time....
Hello world! it's my first blog of the year! anyhow, i'm here in Starbucks along SLEX, alone on valentines, my bee is in Sydney, working... wish i could be there right now.. Have i mentioned why I'm here and alone? well, i'm having bluey pm'd today, its his 20Tkm check up, its kinda weird coz his km is actually 8Tkm, but then i follow kse the 6month rule. So i always come here every 6 months. So there... i also just ate lunch, alone. it's kinda weird. i don't know. i actually had done this before several times whenever i get to be assigned on a project in a diff country.. but doing this here in PH, it feels weird.. not in a bad way, just different weird.. and while i was eating, this waitress gave me a balloon, a red heart shaped balloon, so yeah it's valentines so maybe that's why there is something in the air that makes it all feel weird eating alone.. Oh well, whatever it is, i'm quite sure i'll be doing this again, but probably not on valentines..:p so after lunch, i made my way here in starbucks, holding my red balloon, i saw this little kid with his mom, and thought well, i might as well give it to him, i'm sure he'll enjoy it more than me, his mom was actually surprised, actually me too, its rare, super rare that i approach a complete stranger and offer them something, but you know what it feels good. and now here i am writing this blog...
My mom just texted me that somebody sent me flowers at home! hmmm.. OMG... thanks bee! i'm assuming it's from him.. Right? no, i'm absolutely certain it's from him. who else would give me flowers?! hehe.. wonder what kind of flowers he got me.. i remember the first time he gave me flowers, it was also delivered, in my hotel room in Tokyo... i cant forget the face of the japanese receptionist, he was all "kinikilig" when he told me that i received a package hehe... it was a bunch of different flowers, and the best part of it was that, i don't think there was even an occasion. he just missed me a lot.. awwww. then the second time, yes there was a second time he gave me flowers :p it was my bday, i think in 2007.. he was in Paris, and i'm here in Manila.. again, i wasn't expecting anything coz before he left he already gave me my bday gift.. the Bora trip! :p at that time it was pink roses, a dozen i think.. it was soo sweet... haay. so there, that's why im sure the flowers are from him. he always does it whenever we're apart.. i hope i wont get spoiled and expect something everytime we are apart...hehe... haay. now i feel guilty, coz i didn't get him anything. i didn't even give him a gift last Xmas! i'm soo bad.. ): oh well... it's hard to give him gifts kse! hehe.. i know i'm making excuses, but it's true! every time July comes, i feel stressed thinking what i'll give him on his bday.. yup, it takes me a month to decide what i'll give him..and so far, i'd like to think that he was happy with all my gifts..coz i've stressed about it for like a month! :p
my laptop's running out of battery and i better go back to bluey na, so i guess, that's my valentines for 2009.. alone but not really lonely.. i hope you had a good one.. :p
You touch these tired eyes of mine And map my face out line by line And somehow growing old feels fine I listen close for I'm not smart You wrap your thoughts in works of art And they're hanging on the walls of my heart
You heeled these scars over time Embraced my soul You loved my mind
I may not have the softest touch I may not say the words as such And though I may not look like much I'm yours And though my edges may be rough And never feel I'm quite enough It may not seem like very much But I'm yours
In a way, I need a change From this burnout scene Another time, another town Another everything But it's always back to you
Stumble out, in the night From the pouring rain Made the block, sat and thought There's more I need It's always back to you
But I'm good without ya Yeah, I'm good without you Yeah, yeah, yeah
How many times can I break till I shatter? Over the line can't define what I'm after I always turn the car around Give me a break let me make my own pattern All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered I always turn the car around
I had no idea that the night Would take so damn long Took it out, on the street While the rain still falls Push me back to you
Can't believe it's the "ber" months already. Last weekend I actually saw for sale X'mas trees at the mall already! Boy, people here really get into the holidays way in advance. Anyhoo, I came across this site called FutureMe It's a site wherein you can send your future self an email! (: It's very interesting what came into my mind while I was writing the letter to my future self. It made me realize how blessed I am and that I wish that my future self feels the same way too. I chose to send it 5 years from now, because I think that that will be a turning point or possibly have just passed thru a turning point wherein I have found my true self or defined partially my true self (hopefully). Does that sound deep? haha. Nevermind me.
So if you have free time, try it yourself! It's gonna be fun, trust me.
Okay. So my bee and I were at Rockwell more than a month ago before he left for Paris and imagine my surprise when i saw there's a new Pepper Lunch in town! I was so Psyched. It was one of my favorite places when I was in Tokyo, aside from Denny's and Jonathan's (they were the ones with English menu kase!) My surprise didn't end there because once I saw the prices, I thought to myself, are these in YEN?! I swear those prices are not far from Tokyo's prices. Nevertheless, we ate lunch there and I just ordered chicken because i couldn't afford my favorite steak which is about 600+ bucks...Maybe their meat is from Japan? I mean the serving sizes are just the average. I don't get why it is ridiculously over-priced. The ambiance actually is good and you can't get a seat unless you have ordered. They assign seats for you, which is a plus for me. It's just quite weird because it felt like eating in a fancy restaurant well in fact, in Tokyo it is just a "karenderia" type of place where all the yuppies and students, go to eat. I didn't see any high-end Japanese eating there..So anyway, while waiting for our order, I was waiting for the apron thingies, hehe, because I know right after you leave the restaurant the smell just sticks to your clothes. But they didn't give out any apron. Boo0! And another thing, I wish the chopsticks they use are the wooden kind, I always have trouble using the white long ones, made of i don't know. They are just too heavy for me. Anyhoo, I still enjoyed eating there, just in time, because I was missing Tokyo lately. I was just dreading the time we leave the place. Not because I didn't want to go. It's because I know we would stink the whole day! And true enough, I still smell Pepper Lunch even when we were in the car.
You lost?! Why?! It didn't even reach 3rd set. It's like you gave your points away. Arrgh. I was watching the game last night and all I felt was excruciating pain! So many errors, did you even practice?! And the sadder part is, the other guy was not even that good! He was just playing the game. You on the other hand, seemed like you were somewhere else. What were you thinking? It's like it wasn't you who was playing, it was like your bad clone or something. Just like what the commentator said, this is your summer nightmare! I have no idea how you will get it together on your future games. You're crushed. Now the Spaniard will breeze thru the finals. Arrgh. I hate it!
In case you have no idea what I was blabbing about : summer nightmare
On a happy note, at least the sisters are out! yey! (:
So yeah, I'm at home and did not go to work today. My reason? I don't feel like it. Lately I've been feeling a bit lazy and unmotivated towards work. I don't know maybe because of the lack of project. I'm craving for the adrenaline rush, racing against time, finding a needle in a haystack, those kinds of things. Or maybe I'm having a quarter life crises. I've been finding meaning from the things that I do and so far i haven't really found anything yet. I don't know if I should pursue my career on what I am doing right now, or find another job that could be more fulfilling. I don't know if I should stay here or find work abroad. There are alot of I don't knows... I'm just lost. Don't get me wrong, I'm actually quite contented with what's happening in my life right now. I couldn't really ask for anything else. But lately, everything seems to be monotonous, plain, boring. No drama, no adventure, no mishaps. It's as if my life stops progressing and it's seems as if I've reach a "fork" in my life, wherein I'm stuck and in order to move on I have to choose which of the branch or direction to take. How i wish i could go back, go back to the time where i was still hungry (career wise), and looking forward to every projects being given to me, but of course, that's quite impossible now. How can I look forward to something I've already done, something that it isn't new to me anymore? Oh gosh, I wish i could leave this loop or phase that I'm in right now. Maybe a little bit of travel or vacation will bring me back. But where to? hmmm.
